Jukebox Wars

For the last month or so, ATL Malcontent has been counting down the 10 most annoying songs ever. So far, his list includes:

#10: Bush--Glycerine

#9: John Denver--Thank God I'm a Country Boy

#8: Darryl Worley--Have You Forgotten?

#7: Genesis--Tonight, Tonight, Tonight

#6: The Rembrandts--I'll Be There For You (aka the theme from "Friends")

#5: Soundgarden--Black Hole Sun

#4: Five for Fighting--100 Years

#3: Hootie and the Blowfish--Only Wanna Be With You

#2: Kenny Loggins--(Highway to the) Danger Zone

#1: R. Kelly--I Believe I Can Fly

I can't really disagree with any of the choices on the list, though I do generally like Soundgarden and also find Danger Zone to be hilarious in its awfulness. But then, I tend to find really awful music pretty funny overall.

Reading this list reminded me of an old bar trick some friends and I used to engage in about a year ago (maybe longer...the days in bars all blend together.) We never gave it a name, but I hereby christen it Jukebox Wars. I was talking about this just this past Friday night, after some friends were deliberately playing awful music in a nearly-empty Diesel, which was led off with the hilariously bad "Into the Night" by Benny Mardones. (Any song that begins with "She's just 16 years old / leave her alone they say" is gonna be uncomfortably awful by definition!)

Jukebox Wars started when the bartenders at Moe's and Joe's were bored and annoyed one Saturday night and started deliberately playing bad music in the hope of annoying patrons. They took turns seeing how bad they could make the songs, which as I drunkenly recall included the Spice Girls, New Kids on the Block, Chumbawumba, and that "Who Let the Dogs Out" song. Undaunted, my friends and I began doing battle to top their selections. For whatever $5 will buy in terms of download credits on the jukebox, we would pick our slate of the worst songs in the world. We quickly discovered that our lists were largely generational--the bartenders' songs were heavily from the 90's, mine were largely from the late 70's or 80's, and others' were from the 60's or 70's. Many of those in that last category I had never heard before, so I didn't have the same negative visceral reaction that others in the bar often did (such as when I was beaten with the selection "Season in the Sun." Dammit.)

I can't remember all 10 of the terrible songs I played, but I can remember most. They included Dan Hill's "Sometimes When We Touch," Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby," Taylor Dayne's "Love Will Lead You Back," Starship's "Sara" (a personal most-hated song for reasons I have described elsewhere...if you play it for me I will punch you in the throat), Alabama's "When We Make Love," and that goddamned "Breakfast at Tiffany's" song that makes me want to gouge out eyeballs. Just pulling together those links has made me think I should have won this damn battle...that's how bad those songs are! But alas, based upon the votes of others in the bar, I was defeated by even worse songs.

I also can't remember all the terrible songs that the person who beat me played, but I do remember some of the submissions of others included Muskrat Love, We Built This City, the Pina Colada song (which I unabashedly love), and Baby I'm a Want You.

The one song that both I and my competitor wanted to include, but couldn't because it was not available for download on that jukebox, was Convoy. This is quite simply the worst song of all time--listen and see for yourself! If ATL Malcontent doesn't make this #1 on his list I will be so disappointed.

So, this makes me wonder...what are your all-time top 10 worst songs ever? Feel free to leave a list in the comments. (Nothing that I have listed here is off-limits simply because I included it.)