The annual wringing of hands over gifts for my secretary and the rest of the business staff is upon us. In the last year I've changed secretaries, and the one I have now is extremely difficult to buy for. Let me paint the scene, just so you will know who we are dealing with (and I should say at the outset that she is fantastic at her job):
Significantly overweight, set to have gastric bypass surgery in spring/summer of next year Diagnosed with diabetes in the last year (so can't drink alcohol or eat sweets) Would probably self-describe as redneck, of the former Arkansas/current North Cobb variety Is a grandmother twice-over, even though she is in her early forties Does nothing but work, work, work and take care of the grandbabies (who she is raising)
Just trust me when I say that this is not a woman who would enjoy flowers, or jewelry, or scented bath products. She is not someone who would ever use a day at the spa or a gift card to a store like Banana Republic or Ann Taylor.
What do I get this woman for Christmas? I hate the idea of giving cash, and I already exhausted the mall gift card option for her birthday. I also don't want to give her something that is so practical it is likely to be used not for herself, but for her family for whom she is primary breadwinner.
I have a lot of stuff going on in my life and in my friends' lives right now, but none of it is really safe to publicly blog about. Hence the virtual silence around here of late. So, in no particular order, here's some random stuff bouncing around in my empty head:
* I have to decide whether to go to the trouble and expense of getting a Christmas tree this year. I had one in 2006, but did not buy one last year and didn't really miss it all that much. I still have a million ornaments that match perfectly and look beautiful, but do I really want to take the hours upon hours it will require to decorate the tree, only to worry about the cat knocking it over? (Yes, that has happened before. Many times.) I've been in kind of a bad mood lately because of the aforementioned unbloggable stuff, so maybe a forced infusion of Christmas spirit would help. Or maybe it would just make me homicidal and poorer. You tell me.
* Speaking of my lack of Christmas spirit, which I struggle with every year, I tried to make a Christmas list the other day and just failed miserably. There are so many things I'd like for Christmas (a new job!...oops, did I say that out loud?) but precious few that I can actually provide to friends and family trying to decide what to get me as a gift. What I really want from my friends is their companionship, support, and happiness in the coming year. That goes a lot longer than any gift. And for my family, I want prosperity and health. It feels really lame saying "oh yeah, and a Kitchenaid Artisan mixer and cashmere gloves" at the end of a list of such far more important concerns.
* Sometimes, I can be a real pain in the ass. Even when I might be right. I need to remember that.
* I can't decide whether to have a holiday party, a Super Bowl party, both, or neither. I haven't had a party at my house in almost 2 years, since a falling out between some close friends that has made me wary of holding any event to which I would want to invite both. But the hostess bug is hitting me hard, and making me want to bring new people together from the many friends I have made in the last 2 years, and the holidays seem like a natural time to do that. I also always love an excuse to craft a menu and cook far too much food for people.
However, I also worry that everyone is booked up with other holiday parties already and wouldn't be able to come anyway. Decisions, decisions. So, readers...tell me. Are you already booked for every weekend day between now and Dec 25th? If so, the Super Bowl is a really easy, natural time to have a party and my last one was a success. I will almost certainly try that again this year, especially since my Pats won't even be sniffing the playoffs this year from the looks of things.
* Speaking of football, I am so impressed with the way the Falcons are beating expectations that I am thinking I need to start going to more professional sporting events here in town. The Falcons are pretty good, the Hawks are pretty good, hockey is fun even when your team sucks, and the Braves at least have the chance of being decent. Yet, our sports teams are among the lowest attended in the professional leagues. It's time for those of us who enjoy watching and rooting for these teams to start showing our appreciation by putting butts in seats. Who's with me?
* But my college team, that's one that is not getting my butt in a seat for at least another 9 months, if ever. I haven't blogged about the woeful experience that was the Florida-Florida State game because I don't know if I can ever put into words just how much it sucked. We got our asses kicked by our arch rivals, it poured rain on us for much of the game (and for virtually our entire drive to Tallahassee & back), and my phone got wet and shorted out even though it was in my purse the whole time. SUCKED. My seething anger at Bobby & Co. might be blogged someday, but not today.
* Saturday night, after I was in a mood and needed something cathartic, I went to see the incomparable Francine Reed at Blind Willie's blues club. Oh Lord, was it what I needed. If you have never seen Ms. Reed live and in person, you owe it to yourself to check her out. Here's a video of her doing my favorite song she performs, Ida Cox's "Wild Women Don't Get the Blues."
And with that, I guess I better just get wild and crazy, because I really can't stand to have the blues anymore.
My parents are at my place today, and my dad is building me a new closet. My lovely 1915 house only has one real closet, and it's about 6 ft by 6 ft at most. I have somehow managed to fit an insane amount of clothes, shoes, bags, laundry baskets and luggage all into this tiny column of closet, but it could be better utilized if we actually built in better shelves, racks, etc. Hence my dad's project. In the meantime, the contents of my closet are currently on my entire queen size bed and along one wall of my bedroom. Before you think that the contents of this blurry photo are all the clothes I own, you should know that I also have a large armoire in the guest room that houses suits and dresses, and have 2 or 3 big plastic bins of off-season clothes that reside in the basement. Yes, I might have a problem.
My mom's birthday is Saturday and I have no idea what to get her. She's turning a young 61, and she is notoriously hard to buy for.
Unlike me, my mother hates to shop. She does not like clothes or purses or makeup. Whereas I would love a day of beauty or a massage, she would be uncomfortable about someone making a fuss over her and would never ever go for the whole "stripping down to get rubbed by a stranger" thing. I get my nails done once a week or so, she has had one real manicure and pedicure in her entire life AND SHE NEVER WENT BACK. I buy clothes at the rate of about 3 new outfits per month, my mother still owns clothing she bought when I was in high school. You get the point.
Once upon a time my go-to gift for Mom was perfume. But her bathroom is now populated with the nearly full bottles of a dozen different kinds that I bought her when I was a teenager, and so let's just say I don't see the benefit to adding to her underutilized and possibly rancid collection.
For the past few years I've spent every birthday, Christmas and Mother's Day populating her kitchen with various gadgets and accoutrements because that is the one place I knew she needed and would enjoy things. But after buying her a Kitchenaid mixer, a steamer, a grill pan, a fancy hand carved salad bowl, a Le Auberge casserole, a wine opener, and god knows what else...her kitchen is full. And considering that my parents have two dishwashers and a kitchen island so large they call it the continent, when I say it's full then you KNOW they have too much kitchen stuff.
So what is left? For her birthday last year I offered to get her hair cut and colored in the fancy salon I go to in Atlanta, but she just shrugged and said she didn't want the trouble of upkeep. I tried to get my dad to agree to take her for a weekend trip, but they never went. And now I can't think of anything she really wants that I could give her, material object or otherwise. (Except for me to get married and give her a grandchild, but I don't really know anyone who's willing to help me out on getting that one accomplished. And yes, if I asked her what she really wants that is almost certainly what she'd say.)
I am at a loss and I need your help. What do you get for the woman who has everything she wants and who wants for nothing? Gift cards seem so impersonal in situations like these, but I'm nearly to that point of desperation. My mother doesn't understand technology, so things like digital cameras or iPods are just beyond her comprehension. I do get the sense she is bored, but I don't know what I could convince her to take up as a hobby to relieve that boredom. She does not read much, does not knit or sew (anymore) and you can only cook and garden so much.
Help me blogreaders, you're my only hope. I need to purchase whatever I'm going to get for her by this weekend so I can take it up there for her birthday.
So, someone asked why I hadn't blogged my Christmas haul. I guess I just forgot! With two gifts left to exchange (with my friends Jen and Samantha) this is the list so far:
Jewelry box Tiffany graduated silver bead necklace casserole dish with a warming transport case fuzzy white bathrobe special knee high stockings my mom got in Italy an olive oil bottle and dipping plate from Italy garnet colored fleece blanket lots of wine (mostly from coworkers) a casino videogame cash--which I used to buy a GPS device Banana Republic gift card
My parents opted not to buy me a GPS because they figured I would want to pick one out myself. I was actually happy they chose this option, because they had been looking at the very inexpensive models and I wanted to be able to pick one that had all the features I wanted. Thankfully my grandparents gave their usual far too generous cash gift so I was all set. So, on Saturday after having done my research I made my way to Best Buy.
I have used GPS systems several times in rental cars, and ultimately that drove my purchase. The last time I rented from Avis I used a Garmin device and I really didn't like it. It seemed clunky and slow, and I couldn't figure out how to program an alternate route once I got stuck in a traffic jam. I also wanted something with voice activation so that I would not have to risk wrecking my car in order to program the thing or change my route. I wanted it to be compact so that I could put it away easily when not in use, but also to have the ability to see it clearly while driving.
I settled on the Magellan Maestro 3250. Magellan makes the NeverLost system that has been available in Hertz vehicles for several years, and which I have used at least a dozen times. The Maestro was so similar that it even appeared to have the same voice and sound prompts as NeverLost. The screen is small but legible, and most importantly thin enough to put in my center console without difficult. It has voice activation, which works most of the time but sometimes requires multiple prompts. It also has built in AAA support, so if you are a AAA member you can enter your information and have instant access to roadside assistance. Even if not a AAA member, you can get information about points of interest along your route from the AAA guidebooks.
So far, I haven't taken it on any significant distance trips but I did test it around the neighborhood and found it worked well. There is apparently Bluetooth capability to integrate a cell phone through the device, but I don't have Bluetooth on my cell so I haven't figured that out yet. But, overall I like it and hope that this will prevent me from getting lost as I so often do in these parts. I know that certain friends will be thrilled that they don't have to worry about getting phone calls from me asking to be walked through a route turn by turn as soon as I venture the slightest bit OTP!
I was swayed in part by my experience while waiting for a salesperson to help me at Best Buy. I saw 2 or 3 people come in to return the inexpensive GPS models they'd gotten for Christmas because they didn't work, or lacked features they wanted, and it made me realize that all GPS are not created equal. While it's tempting when a new gadget comes down out of the stratosphere in price and becomes ubiqitous to buy one of the budget models, generally the old adage that you get what you pay for is still true. Put in the extra money to get something you'll actually use and that will work well, or there's really no point.
I finished my Christmas shopping yesterday, but I'm still not feeling the holiday spirit at all this year. I think it's a combination of being too busy to enjoy the season or to decorate, the warm weather last week, and a deluge of personal drama for both myself and my friends that has hit with surprising force. It's hard to feel Christmas-y or to want to wrap presents when your mind is swirling with stress.
Still, yesterday I forced myself to go out and finish all of my shopping. I hit the mall for over 4 hours until I was actually so tired that I just had to sit down on a bench for about half an hour and try not to keel over. It didn't help that I was carrying ridiculously large bags filled with presents and that I knew I had even more heavy presents to pick up at Crate & Barrel on the way out. The last remaining present I needed to buy was at Tiffany's, but there was no way in hell I was driving across the street to Phipps and going in there in person last night. I decided to buy it online and pray the little blue box arrives in time. (No, people who read this, it isn't for any of you. Sorry.)
Along the same lines, I've been too tired, stressed and angry to really muster the enthusiasm to blog much. The only stories that interest me are the presidential election, where I fear I will soon sound like an anti-Hillary broken record if I don't already, and the ongoing drought which is just too depressing to bother talking about anymore. Later this week I have to go to Columbia, MO for a deposition that will occupy most of my Thursday and Friday, so chances are pretty good that blogging will be light all week as I prepare for and then go on that trip. (Thanks, assfuck opposing counsel, for giving me a deposition date at 4:30 pm on the Thursday before Christmas, thus ensuring we'll get done at 10 pm if we're lucky at which point I will have to drive 2 hours to Kansas City in the snow, find a hotel for the 5 hours of sleep I'll be able to muster, and then fly out through heavy Christmas travel traffic early the next morning so that I can get back here in time for our practice group holiday lunch. BAH HUMBUG ON YOU!)
So, um, yeah. There will be little blogging in my future. At least all my Christmas shopping is done. Now if only I could muster the enthusiasm to wrap everything...
Yesterday, hoping to witness a jello dunking booth, I made my first trip to the Love Shack in John's Creek. Sadly, there was no jello or dunking in sight, but we were promised that the owner, John Cornetta, was on his way and would be arriving shortly. So, I looked around for awhile and tried to find a couple funny gifts for friends. And thus I learned that apparently the Love Shack, or at least the one in John's Creek, doesn't sell a lot of the things we've come to know and love about sex shops: there were no blow up dolls, butt plugs or dildos in the place. They have a huge selection of lingerie and porn, and a pretty impressive assortment of vibrators and bondage gear. But we noticed that the sex toys were pretty exclusively limited to ones that arguably are either therapeutic (massagers) or not overtly sexual (restraints). Yes, I know, you have to really stretch your imagination to pretend that vibrators are used for sore muscles or that ball gags and whips are for non-sexual restraint purposes, but this is where the stupidity of our dumbass obscenity laws has forced places like the Love Shack to go.
So, unable to buy this particular friend either a blow up doll or butt plug, I had to settle for a studded cockring. Because the UPC code wouldn't scan, I had to endure about 15 minutes while the staff searched for another similar cockring so that they could enter the price. Thankfully, being in a sex shop meant that I didn't have any reason to be embarassed when one woman yelled from across the room "is it the studded cockring or the smooth leather?" I also barely chuckled when the salesgirl asked me if I'd need any condoms or lube to go with it.
I do find being in places like that to be about the least sexy experience you can possibly have. Something about having it all there in its plastic and overproduced glory makes sex seem like a complete farce to me. I guess often sex is ridiculous, but never is that more obvious than when you're looking at a penis pump.
I hope none of my family or coworkers read this. (Friends, you are just going to have to keep guessing because I won't be discussing your gifts here. Mainly because I have no idea what to get any of you.)
I finally figured out what to get all the secretaries, paralegals and file clerks at the office: stationery. Catherine gave me the idea, but since I wanted to keep it cheap, I didn't go to Tiffany, I went to Galison. Beautiful prints and matching boxes, and each set cost me between $9 and $14 depending on how much stuff is in the box. I bought about 14 of these and it cost me $136 with shipping.
My mom was really good about giving me gift ideas for my grandparents, so I have already purchased my grandmother's dish towels and potholders that match her new dishes, plus every year I get my grandparents a huge tub of chocolate covered cherries from Harry and David. I still need to order my grandfather a large print subscription to Reader's Digest (his eyesight isn't that hot) and then they should be all set.
My mom wanted a workout/running/lounge suit and I found her a really beautiful one up at the outlets, and I also need to get her a new nightgown and probably a piece of jewelry. Mom doesn't pamper herself enough, but my dad and I are starting to force her to do that. Dad got 4 sweaters from me already and will be getting a lob wedge as soon as I can figure out where the hell to get a Taylor Made RX7 lob wedge. (Boys who golf--any help?) I also think I may buy them a new digital camera since theirs is many years old.
I just found the awesomest money clip for my cousin Matt, who has his first serious job ever at 20 years old. It's engraved with "Think of when you had none." Since he has spent the last two years doing the poor college student thing before getting this job, I think the sentiment will go over well. (He's normally impossible to buy for.) Matt's parents will be a challenge. I will probably get them a gift certificate to a new restaurant that just opened in the town where they and my parents live. My aunt Grace is dealing with a lot right now with her father's Alzheimer's getting much worse, so I think she needs some pampering too. I may see if there is a spa up in that area that I can get her a gift certificate to for a massage.
My secretary is still a very tough person to buy for. Originally I was going to get her this Tiffany necklace, but now I'm having second thoughts about whether it fits her style. Last year, the other associate I share her with and I bought her a spa day at Spa Sydell so it will be hard to top that.
I still have no idea what to get for my friends, so as usual they are the ones whose gifts I will struggle with. Feel free to send along your wish list if you're reading this and know I need help on your gift! I'll show you mine if you show me yours...
My wish list:
Rotating cake stand Crock Pot Tiffany graduated silver bead necklace Casserole dishes Jewelry box Henri Bendel Quince or Pomegranate candles office desk chair stationery and note cards digital picture frame gift certificate for a masseuse
