Adventures in Dating #3: The Lawyer

In law school, as you might expect, there were dozens of hookups amongst the single law students and by third year we had numerous engagements on our hands. I never understood the desire to date, let alone marry, another lawyer. While some of my best friends are lawyers, I think that the sort of strange and stressful lives that we lead lend themselves to needing the escape of a person with a fresh perspective. But, I must admit, most of my law school friends who married other lawyers are still with them. Perhaps it's because only another lawyer can put up with their shit.

I have dated a lawyer only once, and it was not a pleasant experience. This was about 3 years ago, and again I met the guy through Match.com during brief spurt of dating activity shortly after getting dumped. I was hesitant to date a lawyer, but he was a few years older than me and had been working for years as a County Attorney, so I hoped he would be less douchey than the male attorneys I generally encounter in large law firms. We agreed to meet at Sala (which is now El Taco), a nice Mexican fusion restaurant near my house.

Warning flag #1: We ate at the bar at Sala. I forget what he ordered, but I ordered the carne asada. It came with two pieces of steak that were each approximately the size of a deck of cards. It was very good, but after I ate the first piece and about 1/3 of the second, I was getting full so I asked him if he wanted to try it. His response was something along the lines of "wow, I can't believe you ate that much." Guys, it is NEVER appropriate on a first date to comment upon the amount that a woman eats on a date. Never.

Warning flag #2: After the meal, we decided to go have beers at Taco Mac down the street. I'm not sure why we picked that particular bar, but since my car was right outside the restaurant and his was down the street, I drove. As we got into my Passat, he said "wow, you must be really frugal. I figured all big firm lawyers are so loaded that you only drive Beemers and Benzes." Strike two for Dwayne! You insulted my car AND indicated you have a complex about how much money I make. Way to go! (He also mentioned during dinner that even though he makes less than I do as a county attorney, he's in court way more often and he works a normal 40 hour work week so "hour for hour we probably make about the same." Even though I did not bring up how much we make, ever, because I find that completely inappropriate. Ugh.)

Warning flag #3: At Taco Mac, there was a college football game on and we began talking about our respective teams. I graduated from FSU and am an avid fan and season ticket holder. Dwayne had gone to another ACC school, possibly Georgia Tech...I forget. Anyhow, in addition to being a rival school, he had a major pet peeve about FSU and proceeded to trash my team even as I told him I was preparing to go to a game in the near future. Then he told me he would be betting against FSU in that game because he was convinced we were a garbage team. Now, that year we probably were a garbage team. But if you are trying to get off on the right foot on a first date, don't trash my alma mater. So, for me, that was pretty much the final straw.

I became concerned midway through the beers at Taco Mac that whereas I was hating this guy a little more with every passing second, he was looking at me and licking his lips like a starving man hallucinating the image of me turning into a bucket of fried chicken. I knew we were going to have an expectations problem on our hands later, because no way in hell was I hooking up with Dwayne by that point. I grew ever more nervous as he leered a bit more obviously with every beer.

We drove back to where his car was parked, and the whole way I was worried of what was coming next. Ideally he would have had a lousy time too so that we could just forego the agony of him deciding whether to call me again and me waiting for the call (or, much worse, me trying to figure out a way to politely reject him.) Instead, as I pulled up next to his respectable Honda Accord, in a very brazenly confident move that might have impressed me on a different guy, Dwayne leaned in for the kiss. With a quick turn of my head he got my righ cheek, and there was actually an audible gasp of entitlement and surprise from him that I had denied him the lips. He was pissed, and he got out of the car, barely saying anything, not even bothering with the usual lies of "this was fun, we should do it again" or "I'll call you." I almost felt bad for a second.

Thankfully, Dwayne never called or emailed me again and I haven't run into him at any lawyer functions since then. That is my great fear, however.