Confidence

It's a funny thing, the way doing something once and not screwing it up makes it so much easier to do it again. Prior to my magistrate court trial last month, I had never argued a motion in court. I'd appeared at status conferences and such, but rarely was required to say or do anything important while I was there. And for whatever reason, the motions I have spent most of my career writing have tended to be argued by someone else or ruled upon without oral argument at all. (Twice I even went to court with emergency motions seeking to argue them before whatever judge was on duty, and both times the motions were granted before I said a peep!)

So, while my "trial" last month was a big deal as the first time I had to actually question witnesses within the bounds of the Rules of Evidence, it was also a big deal because it represented the most I'd ever had to say before a judge and benches full of people watching. I tried not to focus too much on that aspect of it, but the presence of an audience was certainly a large part of my nerves about the whole thing. If I screwed up, a gallery of bored people waiting to fight over their apartment deposits and property damage would see it all and think "what a moron." To make matters worse, the judge told those bored people that he was making us try our case first so that they could learn from how an attorney handled questioning witnesses. An attorney who had never done it before!

Yesterday I had a status conference in one of my cases, and because I was the one who had requested the conference and submitted a proposed order to the judge on the issues to be decided, I knew I would essentially have to argue the defendants' position on all the issues that came before the court during the conference. Often times judges hold status conferences in their chambers or in a small conference room, rather than in open court. So, I wasn't sure if it would be informal discussion with the attorneys and the judge or actual argument, but I knew I still had to prepare for both.

Strangely, I never got nervous about this hearing. Even while driving up to the county where it would take place yesterday, I had no butterflies or jitters at all. This was suddenly NOT A BIG DEAL, and that in and of itself was kind of a big deal. Much like depositions went from a terrifying prospect to something that doesn't even phase me anymore, it seems that appearing in court lost its fear factor after I went to the magistrate court trial and didn't collapse into a puddle.

As it turned out, we did have the status conference in open court, seated at counsel tables, with a courtroom full of people waiting to have their uncontested divorces granted as soon as our conference was over and done with. There were at least 50 people in the room to watch us argue over expert disclosure deadlines, briefing schedules, and everything else we had to discuss. And I didn't collapse into a puddle or sound like a moron. In fact, I didn't think about them enough to get nervous at all.

I've often maintained that if I watch someone else do something once, then I should be able to do it myself the next time. But the other half of the rule I think must be that after I do something once, I won't be nervous about doing it again. As a shy person generally, I should use this to spur me to take on greater challenges so that I can stop worrying about all the things I haven't had a chance to do yet. Of course, thinking about arguing an appeal or taking a case to trial in "real" court still makes my stomach do flips. But hopefully, at some point, it won't phase me in the slightest.