Starting Over
Have you ever been fixated on something that you want for so long that the thought of moving on to something else just becomes impossible to even fathom? Or worse, that you have so much invested in it that you just can't find a way to cut your losses and start over with a new goal? Lately I've been thinking of aspects of my life like a hand in poker. And sometimes I've just kept putting money into a hand I know I probably shouldn't and suddenly I just can't imagine throwing that all away and folding, only to be left with a small stack. I'd actually rather get knocked out entirely than have to completely readjust strategy. Well, other aspects of my life have started to feel like that. Like I just can't seem to get away from a bad hand that seemed good but that now I'm all but certain is beat and there are no cards left to be dealt. At this point the thought of having to start the entire process over from the beginning, facing the open unknown, is just so terrifying. And even worse, the thought that I have wasted years of my life on something that amounted to...nothing, really...makes me sick to my stomach. I have so little time to use, why would I waste any of it?
I look at myself sometimes now and I just don't even recognize me. I made certain promises to myself years ago and I have broken almost every single one, and justified it along the way as a means to an end. And that end that I wanted so bad it hurt has just not come, and almost certainly never will. Yet still a tiny part of my brain is saying "you might as well push, get knocked out if you have to but at least you'll have left it all on the table." The stack has dwindled and giving up now will feel horrible, but do I want to have something, some shreds of hope and dignity and value, left to work with? Or do I want to hit bottom?
I just wonder how I became C, the woman who when I graduated from law school and started out at my first firm I was so certain I never wanted to be. And now here I am, a senior associate who's overworked, single, out of shape, and has little time for a life let alone finding someone to share it with. I have become what I swore I would not. I didn't even realize it until just recently.
But what is the alternative? If I leave law firm life, will things get appreciably better? I just don't know. They certainly won't get appreciably more affordable, and being able to afford a house and a car and all those lovely things is hard to give up. And if I start out on a brand new search for a that mythical and elusive halfway decent guy with sparkly eyes, a great smile, and an IQ in the triple digits, will I like what I end up with assuming I end up with anything at all? I don't know that either. So far I've made two disastrously bad choices in that department that have ended in surprisingly similar fashion, with me feeling like I wasted so much time that I did not really have to give. Still, the idea of having nothing to hope or long for, nothing to work towards, nobody to obsess about...that's almost more depressing than having something that is hopelessly fucked.
Anyhow, this is my semi-drunken late night ramble for the, er, month or something. PMS ends tomorrow, I think, so hopefully this funk will dissipate soon.
3 comments:
Wow, Sara, can I ever relate. Yes, I totally get what you are saying and really I could have written that post myself (except that I never would have come up with the analogy of the poker hand - very creative!) From what I've read in your blog I think you are much more together than you give yourself credit for. I'm guessing you're somewhat of a perfectionist and those of us who are tend to be very good at beating ourselves to a pulp. Try to focus on all that you have accomplished (like, ahem, law school, and successful law career, for starters) rather than what you have not done to measure up to that perfectionist image you've had in your brain since you were 15! Hang in there...it will get better! (Especially when the PMS goes away!)
Aw, Sara, the mom in me wants to give you a hug!
I recognize your symptoms, and this is NOT just PMS talking. You will love moving on. I took the plunge almost a year ago to try something new, that will ultimately pay less, and I can not express in words how alive I feel. I love, love, love all the things I'm learning at librarian school, and I can not wait to move on to teaching. Granted, my pay cut would not be on par with yours, but I've been working for the same attorney for 14 years. 14!! That is a BIG investment in job security I'm giving up.
And you know what? It's going to be OK. He's started to reassess his life, and he's finding ways to move on also.
I say, "Go for it!" Life is waaaay too short to spend at a place that is literally unhealthy for you.
I had similar feelings leaving my old industry, and I didn't have the money issues/incentives that you're dealing with, BUT - makig the change, scary as it was, risking everything (because if this hadn't worked out, I'd be working in a teller line or something else heinous) was worth it. I'm a lot happier. And it's almost like I didn't realize how unhappy I was before I got out of it.
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