Underwater

I suddenly realized today that I am just hopelessly swamped at work, something that should have been fairly obvious but I think I was actually in denial of exactly how bad it is. It's hitting me today as I sit here in my office facing probably 10 hours of work at least, and that's just on the one project that I need to get done by tomorrow. I could work 15 hour days for the next week and just barely get everything done, let alone all those little things I've been meaning to do but haven't gotten to because they aren't emergencies. Yet.

It is times like these when I just start to feel hopeless about not just work, but everything in life. It's strange how the water just swallows me whole and I can't find anything to be hopeful or positive about at all. I feel overwhelmingly negative about my personal relationships, my health, my friendships, the state of my front yard, you name it.

When people wonder why lawyers tend to just get fed up and leave the profession, I think it is from overwhelming feelings exactly like this. Things just start to seem indescribably hopeless and the prospect of a lifetime of feeling this way is just too much for some people to bear. I have enjoyed a couple of months now of lighter workload than the craziness that was the first few months of the year, but as everything has just recently started closing in I find myself once again just sick to my stomach at the thought of one of those soul-crushing periods of complete insanity. I am terrified I will miss a deadline and commit malpractice. I am scared that the people I work with will freak out to find things that haven't gotten done yet because I haven't had time, or because on the fourth straight day of working late I just say fuck it and leave to get some actual sleep. And I am starting for the first time to consider the possibility that I just really don't want to do this anymore. I'm not sure what "this" is, even. Could be this firm. Could be big firms. Could be litigation. Could be practicing law altogether. Maybe I want to open a restaurant.
I just know that I can't live like this forever, and knowing that means I've really already made up my mind even though it takes awhile for me to act on it. The practice of law isn't likely to change considerably just to accomodate my sanity, and that means I that I know deep down I can't continue feeling like this forever. Now I just have to find time to think about the question "what next?"