Mourning

I have nothing but grief and mourning on my mind today. Tonight is the final show of Carp Circles Radio, which I mentioned earlier this week was really important to me for several years. I'm incredibly sad to see it go and can remember so many good times tied up in that show. I'll be on hand with the boys and their usual band of groupies (ok, really, I'm the only groupie) and crazy characters to get wild, get nostalgic, and send the last broadcast into the ether. Tune in from 8-11 to check it out. I may even get the sniffles at the end.

And I'm also mourning something that really has been limping along for awhile before recently taking a turn for the worse: a close friendship with someone I have known for half of my life. We have been through a lot together, but a lot of my other friends and family have been critical of her in the past for a variety of reasons. A big part of why I was able to leave Boston and move down here was because I recognized that my relationship with her was changing in a way that caused me to rely on her less and less as she gravitated towards other friends who made her the focus of their universe at a time when I could not. I actually thought distance would improve things, because I wouldn't have frequent occasion to be reminded about how she only seemed to call me or want to hang out when she needed something from me.

However, since a recent event exposed a serious trust issue between us, and one that I knew would be really hard for me to get over, I just haven't been able to muster the same level of enthusiasm I once did. Yesterday when she sensed it and asked if I was angry at her, I was finally honest. Boy was that a mistake. Now I'm getting the long guilt-trip emails about how she has been the perfect friend and I must just be crazy. Yeah, let me just tell those of you who don't know me real well, that angle doesn't work with me. Both guilt trips and being told that it must be all in my head are surefire ways to piss me off. So, as things stand now, I doubt if we'll speak again for a long time. And I've made my peace with that even though it definitely makes me feel incredibly lousy to be in this place with her. We've been friends for half my life, and I never thought we wouldn't be friends. But my recent outlook on life involves a lot less tolerance for bullshit, and I'm sticking to my guns here and telling her exactly how I feel, and if she can't handle it then there's not much reason for us to try and stay friends anyhow.

And finally, another good friend of mine is mourning someone she lost, and my heart is just breaking for her. I wish I could find some way to make it hurt less. But grief is one of those things that never really goes away, even with time and distance. It just becomes a part of you and you learn to go about your life while feeling it as opposed to being consumed by it. I have been spared that kind of unbearable loss in my life so far, but I mourn for all those who still experience that feeling every day. If I could take it away from you all, I would.