So this is crazy, right?

My 2011 is off to a crazy start, and has the potential to be a truly whirlwind year before all is said and done. I have two trials set this year already, with two more cases to be set for trial at some point and others that could find their way onto trial calendars before too long. One of those cases is not set until May, but we have a ton of expert depositions still to be taken in the meantime, and major motions to be drafted. All of that needs to be completed by sometime in March, which will be here much sooner than we think.

I tell you this only to set up the sheer insanity of what I am about to say.

For awhile now, I have been lamenting my lack of travel partners to the many places on my travel wish list. It is sad that at 35 years old, I've only just recently acquired a passport and taken my first trip outside the U.S., and that was to Vancouver. Not exactly a stretch. Well, last year I met someone who is as down with international travel as I am, and who has traveled yearly to New Zealand for several years now. A few months ago, on a whim because of low airfares, we gave serious thought to setting a trip there in February or March of this year (the tail end of their summer, given the change in hemisphere.) Ultimately, fiscal responsibility concerns for both of us made us elect not to book...but we made a deal that if my year-end bonus was over amount X, we'd go.

Well, my year end bonus was paid out on Friday and to my complete and total shock, it was not only over amount X but almost twice that much. We talked about it over the weekend and starting planning where and when we would go. I have a settlement conference in New Jersey on February 22nd, so I cannot go before then, but I thought we could find a way to squeeze in two weeks there at the end of February and beginning of March. All I had to do was get permission from my boss.

I haven't asked her yet, but as I've spent this week trying to plan out everything that must be done for my approaching trial and to set depositions in this case and in another case in which discovery closes in February, I've realized that it is truly insane of me to try to take a two week out of pocket vacation during this time period. And yet, the more I realize that my first six months of 2011 are going to be batshit insane of the working all night and never sleeping variety, I am more convinced than ever that my sanity DEMANDS that I do this.

I should go, right? I should demand from my boss that she give me permission, and show that I can do this and still get everything done. I should go. Even though airfare is $3000 (premium economy is the only way to go when the flight is 17 hours and your legs are 47" hip to heel, dontchaknow), and even though my parents find it nutso that I will travel to a foreign country with someone they have never even met -- they're very quaint about this -- I should totally make this work.

Right?

I have only taken two real vacations in my entire adult post-graduation life, and both were only a week long. I also worked some during both trips, and stayed within the U.S. in places where I could be regularly connected if necessary. New Zealand for two weeks demands that I just accept I will be out of contact for most of the time, and if people need me they have to friggin' wait. Or figure it out on their own. I love this idea, but I know the people I work with will hate it. But instead of thinking this is why this idea is dumb and crazy and irresponsible, I'm thinking this is why I have to do it.

I just pray she says yes.

2010 Year in Review

Everyone is doing it, and I stole this from Darcey.

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
Went to Las Vegas, twice! Took a two day solo beach vacation. Became part of the law firm ruling class. Drank Chartreuse, which is terrible. Attended basketball and baseball playoff games (football to come in early 2011). And this one other little thing that I can't blog about because it's WAY too personal.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Lord, I don't even want to remember my resolutions, but I'm sure I didn't keep most of them. I didn't save money or lose weight, although I didn't gain any either (and that was a big concern throughout the year.) I know I wanted to try a half marathon by year end, but yet again it didn't happen. Maybe in 2011.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
At one point this year, I knew eight women who were all pregnant. It has felt like an oppressive plague bearing down upon every woman I know. Two have given birth, one 10 weeks early and the other on time. Six more to go between February and June! I have never been more careful about taking my pills in my entire life.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, although we thought both of my grandparents might at various times this year. I listened to "Fairytale of New York" on the drive to my parents' house for Christmas and started crying at the line "and an old man said to me / won't see another one," because it made me think of my grandpa. I doubt he will make it to next Christmas. My grandma, however, will probably live to be 100.

5. What countries did you visit?
Sadly, just the U.S. on my dancecard this year. I'm hoping 2011 will include New Zealand.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you didn’t have in 2010?
A stable, serious relationship with a boy with crinkly eyes, a nice smile, and an IQ in the triple digits. And a victory at my trial in May.

7. What dates from 2010 will be etched upon your memory, and why?
January 31st (not sayin' why). September 1st, the day I was made Of Counsel by my firm. November 27th, the FSU-UF football game I attended with my father. December 20th, an amazing birthday celebration and bluegrass show at Diesel that I attended. December 27th, the epic Falcons-Saints game that I attended.

8. What was your biggest achievement of this year?
Working really hard, becoming a key member of my team again, and being rewarded by elevation to Of Counsel and a nice raise. A close second would be finally cutting a toxic situation out of my life for good.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I really tried to recapture my 2009 success on Weight Watchers and using the treadmill, and I just couldn't find the time. I have to find a way to make this a part of my life again next year.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I was sick once or twice early in the year and in October with colds. I had UTIs in April and December. Nothing major, though, thank God.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My new iPad. Easily. A customized Falcons jersey that brought someone special to me
great joy was a close second.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Far too many friends to list here...and I have to give major props to my boss, who forced the firm to make me Of Counsel mid-year when they initially had told her I'd have to wait until sometime in January. She steamrolled it through like a champ.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
More Republicans than I care to count. A coworker who nearly made someone quit with particularly vitriolic criticism. The voters of Georgia.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Mortgage, car payment, veterinarian bills, and traveling. I spent a LOT of money on my two gambling trips this year. (But worth it.)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Vegas, and the Braves, and the Falcons, and FSU football. And a boy...sometimes.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
I'm not sure I can associate a song with this year. Maybe the gospel choir singing in Samuel L. Jackson's "Rise Up" commercials for the Falcons?

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
a) Happier, not that I was unhappy at this time last year. But things all feel on the right track for the most part. Kitty health issues are the only thing worse than this time last year.
b) Exactly the same.
c) Richer, but not by much.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Exercise, definitely. And cooking at home. And saving money. And snuggling my kitty, which I now feel like I will never have had enough of.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Eating and drinking. And spending. Moderation is the theme in 2011.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
We had my entire family over for dinner in the early afternoon, with me and my mother cooking all morning to prepare. Then everyone left because of the snow, and we watched Star Wars together and just basked in the beauty of my first White Christmas ever.

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
No. I'm scared to fall in love right now.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Dexter, probably. Mad Men, True Blood, Project Runway and Chuck are up there too. The Walking Dead was my favorite new show.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Hate is the wrong word. Reached a place of lacking in any emotion towards...yeah, that.

24. What was the best book you read?
Probably the Blind Side. I only read 3 or 4 books this year.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Langhorne Slim. I'd heard his stuff before, but his live show at the Earl back in the fall was a total revelation. Also, exposure to older Neko Case was an amazing gift to my life this year.

26. What did you want and get?
Laid. :) Also, travel with good friends, an iPad, a new HDTV for the guest room. And more time with my grandparents even though it was touch and go for awhile.

27. What did you want and not get?
Relationshiped-up. :( Also, the benches in my front porch to finally be built, a clean bill of health for my cat, and most frustratingly...closure.

28. What was your favorite film of 2010?
I cannot even remember what movies I saw this year. Crazy Heart? That was probably my favorite.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 35. I went to dinner with my friend Jen, then went and got a little crazy at the bar with a boy.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
To have gotten back into regular exercise and lost another 20 pounds. I felt more accomplishment from that one feat last year than I did from making Of Counsel this year.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of 2010?
Same as it ever was. When I like it, I know it.

32. What kept you sane?
Alcohol and good friends.

33. What political issue stirred you the most?
I cannot even think about politics this year, it has been so disheartening to watch everything fall apart.

34. Who did you miss?
My best friend Samantha.

35. Who was the best new person you met?
Paul. (Technically we first met in late 2009 but just once, the rest was all this year.)

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
There is really so little that I absolutely cannot do.

37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
From Guster's "Do You Love Me":
I wanna wake you from your dream
I wanna know who you're talking to
when you're singing in your sleep
I wanna find out what it means
This song has been stuck in my head for weeks.

So, yeah

I'm still around but it's going to be far less frequent going forward. Too much else in my life demanding my time right now: work, dying cat (more on that in a bit), personal entanglements, more work, etc.

I would apologize for my scarcity, but I really don't feel all that bad about it. It is a good thing to be too busy to have time to document my life here, and since I primarily used this place as catharsis when I had far more to whine about than I currently do, I instead see my lack of time or interest in blogging to mean that I am in less need of therapy than previously might have been recommended. Maybe? Let me dream for a bit, OK?

So I mentioned the dying cat, and that is something I've been reluctant to blog about precisely because it is so upsetting to me. As I posted about last year, Claudio has had an ongoing puking problem for almost 2 years now. Last year, he developed Chylothorax, which is lymphatic fluid in his chest, of unknown origin. I spent a lot of money to hospitalize him for a week and then it sort of magically got better, but the puking continued. I thought about taking him to the vet for more tests, but he seemed for the most part fine despite the puke problem (which admittedly is not ideal for the appearance of my house, but still.) I also was afraid they would want to run numerous expensive tests that would continue to reveal nothing about what was causing the problem.

Then, back in November, Claudio started pooping on the floor. He was doing it every day, and I read online that often cats do this because they are feeling ill and are trying to find a way to tell their owners. I started thinking more seriously about taking him to the vet. Then, one night a few days later, I was rubbing his belly while he was laying on my desk, and I felt something hard in his abdomen. It concerned me. I decided I would take him later that week, and he suddenly started acting like he felt awful. He was hiding under the guest bed, not eating very much, and moving very slowly. I made a vet appointment. The vet initially thought the mass I felt in his belly was just feces, and that he likely had irritable bowel syndrome after seeing some thickening of his intestine on X-ray. I went home to await the results of bloodwork, after he got some IV fluids.

Two days later the cat was not only feeling better, but I noticed that his left pupil was permanently dilated as compared to his right. In humans, differences in pupil size is nearly always a sign of serious neurological conditions (stroke, brain tumor, etc.) so this was an emergency. I took him back to the vet, and they said it could be Horner's Syndrome, a neurological condition that can be caused by infections, trauma, or tumors that result in pressure on the optic nerve that causes the dilation. He had an ear that was very sensitive and had fluid in it suggestive of ear infection, so they gave me antibiotics and told me he would hopefully get better once the infection in his ear was cleared up. I was also supposed to bring him back in a couple days for an abdominal ultrasound, because his bloodwork had been for the most part normal and they wanted to look at his intestine.

The ultrasound was finally performed, and revealed what I had been afraid of all along: a large abdominal mass either very near or wrapped around his intestines, and another spot on his liver. The vet took a sample of fluid from the mass for testing, and told me that the most likely cause of the mass was lymphoma. She started him on steroids, and told me that I could consider chemotherapy, steroid therapy alone, or do nothing. It sounded like his options ranged from a few weeks at best to potentially much longer if the chemotherapy was a success.

I'll spare you the details of some uncertainty that was injected into the diagnosis, but the steroids worked wonders--his eyes returned to normal and he was acting like his old happy self the next day. A week later the vet did a second ultrasound, and already the mass had shrunk. Though I lacked a definitive diagnosis, she told me that nothing else would have reacted so well to steroids, other than cancer. So, my kitty has lymphoma and is living on borrowed time. The vet hopes that I will get 3-6 months with him while on the steroids before they stop working, the tumor starts growing again, and he has to be put to sleep. I decided against the chemotherapy because the cat would hate it, it is insanely expensive, and ultimately in about half the cases it doesn't really prolong the cat's life that much anyhow.

He is his old sweet self, waking me up early every morning with plaintive wails for food, scratching all leather shoes and all wooden doorways, curling up next to me every night to purr while we sleep, and generally being adorable. I have to give him liquid steroids every day, which he became a total shit about taking via syringe by mouth, so I mix them into some milk. He is eating well and seems to have no obvious signs of a problem, other than a stomach that growls loudly for at least an hour after he eats.

He is on borrowed time, and my fervent desire to make sure I spend as much time with him as I can in the little time we have left together is yet another reason I never post anymore. I will miss this cat so much when is gone, that I can already feel the heartache. I'm scared of exactly how hard it will be. He has been with me for 9 years, through multiple breakups, a layoff, a move from Boston to Atlanta, an ice storm in which I had no power for three cold days, and so much more. He has been my constant little slice of happiness ever since we got him from a shelter a month after 9/11. And soon, way too soon, I will have to make the terrible decision to end his life before he suffers too much. It's going to be awful.

In which I explain my sports mojo

I've written about this before, many years ago, but here's a refresher course for those of you who weren't reading then: I am a super duper lucky charm for a city's sports teams. Don't believe me?

In 1993, I moved to Tallahassee to attend FSU. They won the national championship. They played for the national championship four more times that decade, winning it again in 1999. I had moved away back then, and thus began a decade of awfulness.

The summer of 1995, I was back in Orlando (my hometown) working at Disney World for the summer, and the Orlando Magic made it to the NBA Finals in just their 5th year of existence. (They did get swept in the Finals, but I was only in Orlando for 2 short months so my lucky effect probably had not built up enough by then.)

In 1997, I moved to Boston for law school. The Red Sox were mediocre, the Patriots were mediocre, the Celtics were awful. It took a few years for it to kick in, but in 2002 the Patriots won their first of three Super Bowls championships in four years. In 2004 the Red Sox broke an 86 year curse on their way to 2 World Series championships in four years. And in 2008 the Celtics even won a championship, the culmination of a rebuilding that started while I was still there.

In fall of 2005 I moved to Georgia, just after the Atlanta Braves made the playoffs for the last of their amazing 14 year postseason streak. In February 2006 I formally moved to Atlanta, and slowly began switching my allegiances to Atlanta sports teams. The first to go was football, because I was really bothered by the Patriots' taping/cheating scandal. Then went basketball, because I liked the young, raw talent of the Hawks and their tremendous upside. But I'd been holding onto my Red Sox love, and had a really hard time giving it up. I had been through hell and bliss with my Sox, and I just wasn't sure I could root for any other team. Still, at the start of this season, I decided I had to do it. The Braves needed me, and I told everyone I was on board.

Needless to say, it's helping. The Braves just returned to the postseason for the first time since 2005 despite having the wheels nearly fall off due to numerous injuries to critical players. The Hawks have made it to the playoffs three years in a row, and should have a very good team this year again. The Falcons made the playoffs two years ago, broke the curse of never having back to back winning seasons with their 9-7 record last year (after Matt Ryan's injury), and look great this year--so great that they have become a very trendy sleeper Super Bowl pick. I have no idea when the championships will come, but within the next five years, I think any one of the Braves, Hawks or Falcons could win it all. Maybe all three.

When I moved to Atlanta in 2006, none of our major sports teams were in the postseason. The Braves were going into rebuilding mode, the Falcons were dealing with the Michael Vick saga, and the Hawks were still a young team that had been nothing to write home about for over a decade. Since then, all 3 have made the postseason at least once, and this year we should have all 3 in the postseason in the same year. Meanwhile, the Patriots have stopped winning Super Bowls, and the Red Sox failed to make the postseason this year. Boston's reign as supreme sports town is drawing to a close, while Atlanta's is just beginning.

You can all thank me later.

Something About September

In 2005, I quit my job on the Friday before Labor Day weekend and spent the rest of the month trying to get the hell out of Dodge (aka Boston) before the rapidly-approaching winter. One of the most popular songs on the radio at that time was Green Day's "When September Ends," and it felt quite fitting to be asking the universe to hurry up and get me through this month and out of this life I had decided I didn't want anymore.

Fast-forward four years, and in September of 2009 my life was about to experience numerous earthquakes but I didn't realize it just yet. Two co-workers had left and a partner had announced he was leaving the practice of law altogether. I had taken on some of their responsibilities, and out of the blue I had also received a phone call from a federal goverment agency asking me to interview for the same job I had interviewed for in January, because I had been their #2 choice but the guy they had chosen to hire had decided to jump agencies just 6 months after starting. They were only interviewing me and one other guy, and they wanted to move quickly, so it seemed like getting hired was a VERY real possibility. At the very same time, I knew my coworker was in the final stages of interviewing for a fantastic opportunity elsewhere. We joked just before the Labor Day weekend about wanting to be the first of the two of us to give notice, because the rash of departures had started to freak people out. (Ultimately, she got the call first and put in her notice a year ago tomorrow, and I didn't get the nod for the government job because they were concerned I would decide to leave after a year or two in order to earn more money. They were probably right.)

Because the government job would have paid a lot less than my current job, my parents decided I needed to buy my house from them (long story made slightly less long: when we found my house I wasn't yet working and didn't qualify for a good mortgage rate, but they did, so they were the official buyers but I paid the mortgage for the first 3.5 years), and found a way through a mortgage broker to make this happen. We locked in a rate in late September, and a month later we closed and I took on the crushing debt load of my very own. We also discovered during this time that my roof was leaking (right after the Atlanta floods last year, September 18-22) and some other renovations were needed, so we hired a builder and started planning for the renovations that began in October.

At the same time, I had been talking off and on since July with a guy who I wanted to go out with and I was pretty sure he wanted to go out with me too, but despite a few abortive attempts to meet up somewhere we still had not yet gone out face to face. We shared a mutual friend (who had actually tried to set us up a year earlier but I said no), and she finally talked to me and then talked to him and basically found a way to push us both into getting the hell on with it, already. Right around this time we finally started talking on the phone and made plans for our first date, plans that I would ultimately have to cancel because I got sick. We ended up going out for the first time later in September, and having a great time. It was the start of something different and exciting. (Things didn't work out in the end, but it was still a VERY fun fall...)

I was about to become insanely busy at work, and I was about to get sick 5 times in 6 months (likely because of said work insanity.) Because of that sickness streak and my limited free time due to work, I would stop working out for more than six months and gain back half of the 20 pounds I had lost from March to September of last year. I would stop having time to go play poker on Thursdays, to go out with friends on Friday nights, to visit my family on Sundays, or to do anything but work all the damn time. I knew things were about to become difficult, but I had no idea just how difficult, yet.

I was also about to experience a fundamental realignment of my social circle. At the end of September I recall driving with a close friend, listening to a sad song about goodbyes and regret that suddenly brought forth the tears. I didn't know why I was crying, yet. I knew things needed to change and had already started to, but I didn't realize that what really needed to happen was finality, an ending. That earthquake came in October. But on that late September day, part of me already knew, and was already recording that moment, as one place I may never go in my life again.

Looking back now, a year ago I was on the brink of everything. I had no idea at the time how fundamental the changes would be, but it got me here, and for that I am grateful. The last year has put me in such a better place, and this September I am just hoping that I can keep building on the positive change of a year ago. Through a combination of my crash Vegas diet and a week of being sick, I've lost enough weight that my low point from last year is once again in sight and I'm inspired to keep going. I have met some fascinating and truly amazing guys in the last year, and made some fantastic new friends while strengthening existing friendships with others. I was promoted at work and got a raise after I really rededicated myself to my job and I ended up with a house that love and put my own mark on forever.

Septembers are always full of change for me, but as I sit here today reflecting on all the positive change that started a year ago, I just can't wait to see what happens next.

The Crash Vegas Diet

Having planned my vacation for the last week of August, I am faced with needing to wear a swimsuit in public in two weeks for my one night on a Florida beach, and then 5 days later while in Vegas lazing about the pool at the Mandalay Bay. But I've been a bad Sara, and do not currently feel swimsuit-worthy. The answer? A challenge to myself to see if I can drop 5 pounds by the time I leave for Vegas on Sept. 3rd.

Luckily, being tall and weighing more generally means that stringing together several pounds lost in 2.5 weeks is not as hard for me as it is for some. The bad part of that is, it takes more to make a noticeable difference. So, how am I going to do it?

1. I'm eating under 1400 calories a day. This is not that hard to do for me, but I'm going to accomplish it by eating as many fruits and vegetables as I can, and cutting meat out of my diet as much as I can for the next 17 days. I will still eat seafood, however, because it's just too hard for me to go full vegetarian. The usual breakdown of a day will look like this:

Breakfast: fruit and a diet coke, possibly with greek yogurt
Lunch: Salad or sandwich of some sort from takeout, or a frozen Lean Cuisine/Healthy Choice/etc. meal
Afternoon snack: 100 calorie popcorn bag, fruit, carrots
Dinner: takeout sushi, margherita pizza, or if I'm really good a homecooked meal of mostly vegetables with possibly some seafood.
Dessert: Sorbet du jour (I am currently obsessed with sorbet)

2. I'm spending an hour a day, EVERY DAY, on the treadmill. No ifs ands or buts. However, over the next 17 days I am giving myself 2 days off as needed for work purposes.

3. I'm doing 100 sit-ups every single morning or night. Gotta get some ab muscles back in evidence.

4. Drinking no more than twice a week, light beer or wine only. I bet you were thinking that sample menu up there looked mighty light, right? Well, I have to save the calories for an adult beverage now and then. Also the occasional inescapable chocolate craving.

I'll let you know on September 2nd how I've done...

Ridiculously Early FSU Football Predictions

Although I love baseball, this is around about the time when I start thinking about Labor Day weekend plans, and thus also find myself looking forward with eager anticipation to the start of the college football season. Because there is really nothing to do but wait, and because I have been devouring all the news I can find in the off-season about the upcoming inaugural season of the Jimbo Fisher Era at Florida State, I figured I would make some random prognostications.

Anticipated Final Regular Season Record: 9-3
Wins: Samford, BYU, Wake, Virginia, Boston College, N.C. State, Maryland
Losses: Oklahoma, Florida
Could Go Either Way (i.e. we'll win at least one and lose at least one, I just can't predict which ones): Clemson, Miami, UNC
We are absolutely, positively, 100% going to lose to Oklahoma. Anyone who thinks otherwise is dreaming. However, I do think we have a very good shot for the first time in awhile of beating Florida, though I couldn't in good conscience move it into the tossup category. But I won't be shocked at all if it happens. UNC would've been a much tougher game for us before Marvin Austin and possibly some other players got into a little agent trouble, so I feel much better about our chances of beating them but still couldn't call it a sure win yet. Similarly, a week ago I would've felt strongly about our chances against Clemson but that was when I assumed they'd have a freshman QB and not the very good Kyle Parker, who turned down a million dollar baseball signing bonus to return. So now Clemson could very easily beat us. Miami could be great this year or mediocre, and it is really too early to tell. I think we will probably lose to them because the game is in Miami, but we do always play them pretty tough and close, so I have to leave that one a tossup.

Will Christian Ponder win the Heisman? No, but he will put up the numbers that will make him a top 5 NFL draft pick. If he'd have a better defense behind him, he would be a top 3 Heisman candidate, but even with the improvement of a defense-heavy recruiting class and all new defensive coaching, our defense is likely to just go from terrible to mediocre. Not enough to propel us to the top 10, which is where Ponder would need to be in order to have a chance at the statue. He might get an invite to NYC, though, depending on how the other top candidates fare.

Which games am I attending? Right now I have hotel rooms booked for BYU, UNC and UF. I may throw Clemson in there too, depending on how the team is doing and whether I can get a hotel for that weekend. (Also, if my big trial goes in November I may have to cancel any hope of attending the UNC or Clemson games.) I also plan to actually tailgate this year if I can figure out where FSU fans tailgate. You UGA folks may find this strange, but we are not a big tailgating school. Most people roll up to the stadium right before the game starts, and the parking situation is sort of sporadic and spread out so there aren't a lot of places with great tailgate setups (although there are some.) However, we can walk around with open containers of alcohol, so in the past I have just shotgunned 2 or 3 beers on the walk from car to stadium (and then spent the game drunkenly feeling the liquid sloshing in my stomach while needing to pee. Fun!) But I like the tailgate concept, and would love to find a way to add it to my football experience. I think staying in Tallahassee, unlike my arrangements in years past, will probably help with that somewhat.

Will FSU win the ACC? We certainly can. If we lose only one ACC game, as I anticipate (and especially if it's to Miami or UNC who are not in our division), then we should at minimum make the title game. Many are predicting BC will win our division because they play UVA and Duke--the two patsies of the league--but we will probably beat BC and if we each only have one conference loss then the head to head game will be the tiebreaker. Having said that, whoever comes out of the other division--Va Tech, Miami, Ga Tech, or UNC--is going to be a pretty tough team to beat in the conference championship game. FSU can do it, but I can't predict that it will happen this year. I would love it if we somehow made it back to a BCS game, though.

Will I miss Bobby Bowden? Probably. I was a vocal critic who wanted him out years ago, but I also am eternally grateful to him for making FSU into a spectacular dynasty and putting us on the college football map. I will think of him fondly every time I walk by the statue outside Bobby Bowden field. But I am also so incredibly ready for the modern era of football as ushered in by Jimbo Fisher to finally get here. I am ready to start kicking Florida's ass again. I am ready to do the warchant and the tomahawk chop and to scream with joy for my team, rather than scaring small children with my stream of angry profanities (true story). I do not fear change, I embrace it. This is Jimbo's team now.

Do I regret renewing my season tickets? Not. For. A. Second. Hopefully I'll have made the jump in priority level by the time we have returned to our former glory! I am committed. Speaking of...

Yep.

This is me.

I am weak

My vegan experiment made it all of 3.5 days. Thursday night was by far the most difficult, as I left work late and had zero desire to cook. I also realized there was pretty much nowhere I could stop to pick up something that would be animal product-free. I nearly bailed on the whole thing, but as luck would have it, my friend in DC who has been eating vegan periodically for religious reasons called and gave me a pep talk about her delicious vegan sandwich, and I found the will to cook a veggie burger when I got home.

So, what did I learn? First, I cannot live without at least a small glass of skim milk every day. I just really crave that calcium and the comfort it gives me as part of my bedtime ritual. I ended up having milk for 2 of the 3.5 days because I just couldn't resist.

Second, there is a limit to how many roasted beets I can eat. I LOVE roasted beets, but after having them at 3 consecutive meals I was peeing pink for three days*, and that really freaked me out. I have one big serving's worth leftover, and I have not been able to stomach the thought of eating them. Maybe tonight.

Third, the easiest part of this was eating fruit for breakfast, which I already do. That is a daily change that I can easily make for good.

Fourth, I really hate tofu. I got vegetarian pad thai at a restaurant on Friday for lunch, and even though it was quite tasty, I just could not bring myself to eat the fried tofu chunks. However, vegetarian spring rolls saved my life.

Fifth, if you buy the light whole wheat hamburger buns, unless they are hiding them in there somewhere that I cannot see, there are no egg or dairy ingredients. These, plus Boca all-american burgers, saved my life.

Sixth, you can have my mayonnaise when you pry it from my cold dead hands. Also, eggless aioli is a myth that cannot be created at home no matter how hard you try. The many glasses of olive oil dressing I attempted to whip into a froth with my immersion blender are proof of this.

Seventh, while cutting meat out of my diet is an easy way to drop extra calories during the week (and why I'm going vegetarian, but not vegan, this week), the deprivation caused by having to exclude dairy and egg is really too much to ask. Luckily I was only doing this as an experiment and not for real due to either a dietary issue or a moral/religious reason--so if I screwed up a bit, it was no big deal. But I have renewed appreciation for just how difficult life must be for people allergic to eggs or dairy, or for those who choose to be vegan for some reason.

Eighth, as usual my attempt to adopt a strict diet did not reap the weight loss benefits I was seeking. I lost 1.5 lbs. despite feeling tremendously deprived for much of the week. I could have lost the same amount by sticking to Weight Watchers. In part, I think this is because the only satisfying options I did have were all relatively high carb or contained oils & fats (or both)--such as sweet potato fries, chips w/ guacamole, mixed nuts, pasta/noodles, or vegetables cooked with olive oil. It really does prove that moderation wins out over deprivation every time.

Ninth, I was never actually hungry while eating vegan, and I had loads of energy. I'm not sure why that is, perhaps the increase in carb intake? I felt great all week, for some reason. It definitely was an unexpected bounce, and a reason to consider trying it again at some point.

Tenth, I remain convinced that the single most important factor in my weight loss last year was my adoption of regular exercise. Unfortunately, I am still having trouble working in time for that. I have to make it a priority to spend 5 hours a week on the treadmill, otherwise all the good eating in the world doesn't make enough of a dent.

So anyhow, that's what I learned. This week I will be eating vegetarian for as long as I can stand it, but if I get the urge for a little animal flesh, I am not going to deprive myself. And thank God, alcohol is 100% vegetarian.

*I'm sorry for mentioning the pink pee, but I really really wanted to talk about it to someone all week and I just couldn't bring myself to tweet it. I guess I figure I have fewer blog readers than twitter followers now, so you all don't mind, right? And at least I did not mention the other way beets affect my body...

In which I sound like a shill for a diet plan, but have a serious point under it all

So, I haven't been around much lately. (I'm sure all six of you noticed.) Work continues to be insanely busy, my personal life experienced a short-lived but dramatic uptick in activity, and I really just find political and legal developments too depressing to even talk about.

But there is something I've been meaning to write about for awhile, so here goes...

One year ago, on March 7th, I got up and registered with Weight Watchers. The morning before I had caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and realized that I just could not live with how I looked a second longer. I had always been resistant to the idea of organized diet programs, believing that I could do it on my own using common sense food choices and portion control. The problem was, of course, that I'd never actually used that common sense to lose any weight.

Being a technology lover and resistant to anything involving meetings or expensive food programs, I decided WW was the right option. For a monthly fee, I could enter my daily food and exercise into the tracker and it would calculate my daily and weekly point limits. I wasn't terribly busy at work at the time, so I quickly realized that the more I worked out, the more flex points I could save up for the weekend. I had bought a treadmill 3 years earlier but never used it, so I decided now was a good time to start. I walked on the treadmill while watching on DVD entire seasons of TV shows like Dexter that I'd been meaning to watch. Every other weekend, I'd try to do a longer walk (perhaps with less incline or at a slower speed) while watching a movie. I got to the point where I could do a 7 or 8 mile walk every once in awhile, though the last mile or so was usually pretty brutal. I had never been a regular exerciser, and I came to really enjoy it.

I also figured out that I could eat anything I wanted, as long as I planned for it. A week of fruit for breakfast and Lean Cuisine meals for lunch would mean I could eat relatively "normal" dinners and still have my 35 flex points saved up for one weekend day of drinking and eating bar food with friends. If I went out to dinner, I just tried to either have points saved up or only eat half of whatever I ordered, and I started looking up point values on the internet if I wasn't sure. I switched to Amstel Light, which is terrible but is the most widely available light beer that I can stand to drink. As a friend remarked to me recently, it wasn't even that noticeable of a change for my social life, since I could still go to the same places I always did, but just had to be careful about what I chose.

I lost 20 pounds and dropped a dress size in 5 months from March 7th-August 15th. That was a huge milestone, but about 15 pounds from my goal (which would put me back where I weighed in college.) That might sound huge to some people, but when you're 6 ft tall, 20 pounds is a mere drop in the bucket. But it still felt good to have people notice. It felt good to have my jeans become too big to wear because they were falling off and baggy in the butt. It felt great to wear a bikini in New Orleans in July for a bachelorette weekend and not feel completely self-conscious about it.

About once a month, I also went off the wagon for a few days entirely. First it was a trip to New Orleans in late March, then it was Easter Sunday with my family in April, then it was my birthday in May, then it was a conference in Vancouver in June, then it was the bachelorette in July. Every time, as long as I limited the damage to a few days and got right back on plan afterwards, I avoided any real backsliding. It slowed down my progress, but also kept me sane.

Then, in September I got busy again at work. I recall that over Labor Day weekend in Biloxi, I ate whatever I wanted and didn't work out at all, but I also was only eating one real meal a day so I didn't gain anything. I had no time to work out, though, so I knew I would stall out. Then I got sick at the end of September, and ate whatever I wanted while I was recovering. I got sick again in October, and again in December, and again last month. I might have worked out maybe 5 times in that time span until last week, because between billing 200 hours a month at work, the holidays, and constantly struggling with illnesses, I just couldn't muster the energy or the time. I also used my busy-ness at work and the holidays as an excuse to go off the wagon on tracking my points. By the new year, I had gained back 10 of the pounds I'd lost.

By last week, my one year anniversary, I'd decided I had no excuses left. I worked out 4 days last week, and I got back to calculating my points. It was hard (particularly because of some personal life drama that decided to emerge late Friday night and make me want to eat all of the fried food and chocolate in the known universe) but I stuck to it. And I'll hopefully keep sticking to it, because in 3 weeks I need to be able to wear a swimsuit in Vegas without wanting to cut myself.

I'm not writing this as some sort of testimonial for Weight Watchers or seeking a pat on the back. I'm writing this because up until a year ago I was one of those people full of excuses and distrust when it came to diet plans or my ability to get anywhere with something like this. I said I "only run when chased," I talked about my bad knees and back, I made fun of the cultishness of WW meetings. I said I knew everything I needed to know to be healthy, but food was just so delicious. I was a skeptic of the highest order, and yet a year later I have been proven wrong. And I know so many people who are in those same shoes--making excuses, doubting they could ever do it, giving all the reasons why the mere thought makes them so uncomfortable. But I want them to listen to me and think about giving it a try.

And I'm hoping that by this time next year, I'll weigh less than I did in college. Which would be awesome. If I meet this goal, I'll post a picture of myself in a bikini as proof. I make this promise to you now.

I'm also thinking of running a half marathon. Yes, really.

Grading Myself

I have a group of friends who I have been posting with on various forms of social media since 2001. (First we were on messageboards, then we were moved to something that tried to be like myspace plus messageboards, then about 18 months ago we moved to Facebook.) Every year, we make our new year's resolutions and then in the following December we review our list to assess our progress. Sometimes one of the people in this group will remind us that we've been resolving every year since 20o7 to leave that job or lose those 25 pounds, which makes the annual resolution review particularly painful. Not that I speak from experience or anything.

So yesterday, someone suggested our annual resolution review and I immediately felt sick over the annual recriminations after realizing I have still made no progress on my list. But then when I went and found my blog post on the topic, I realized I kind of DID make some progress on several of them, and that was a pretty cool realization. Here's my list for the past year:

1. Resolve my job situation on my own terms.
If by "resolve," I meant "realize I am stuck here until the economy turns, and make the best of it," or perhaps just "don't get fired in the worst economic disaster of my generation," then yes. I resolved. But I am still in the same job I have had since January 2006. So, you do the math.

2. Become more frugal, in order to save money for a new mortgage.
I saved over $10K in the past year, and did get a new mortgage. I also blew all those savings on home renovations that currently carry a pricetag of almost $20K, and climbing. Oh joy. But yay, I finally got that mortgage, and the crushing debt load that comes with it! (Sometimes, adult milestones don't make you feel like you thought they would.)

3. Cook dinner more often at home, and eat healthier.
I barely cooked at home at all this year, but I did manage to follow Weight Watchers for 6 months and lose 20 pounds. (I've undone 6 pounds of that in the last 3 months though, and need desperately to get back on the program in 2 weeks when the holidays are behind us.

4. Cut caffeine from my daily diet.
Oh this is just too funny. I think I reduced my intake for like a month before I gave up. In fairness, I did say it would be the hardest one on the list to stick with. I think it was when I started dieting in earnest that I realized trying to quit caffeine while trying to quit every delicious food in the world is like the single most masochistic thing I could have attempted.

5. Begin exercising regularly, including attempting to start running on a regular basis by the end of the year.
In March I started working out on a regular basis and by May I was working out 5 nights a week on a treadmill. I even managed to do several long distances of 9 or 10 miles at a time, without dying. But then I stopped because I got sick in September, and then work became unbearably busy. I also never graduated to running. But, I am resolving to get back on the horse in the new year on this one. And by horse, I mean treadmill.

6. Remove as much stress from my life as possible.
Ha! What a fool I was.

7. FINALLY finish decorating this house--just need 2 rooms painted, and possibly a new desk in the guest room.
Or, y'know, I could decide instead to completely renovate the outside of the house and make zero progress indoors. The closest I got to progress on this front was having new light fixtures installed in my kitchen, and picking paint colors for my bedroom. BUT, I hope to finally get that painting actually done in 2010. Maybe.

8. Spend more time with family, since my grandparents are here now and both rapidly approaching 90.
This went well for the first half of the year when work was slow, and badly for the second half once I got super busy at work. Sunday dinners are hard to make it to when you work every Sunday. My grandpa is declining fairly steadily, though, so I really do need to make more time to be around him while I still have the chance. He turns 90 in January.

9. Focus on my writing, and really push myself to take the time for quality over filler.
Yeah, not so much. I had a couple decent blog posts this year, perhaps ones I will even assemble into a top 10 list if I find 10 I am at least halfway proud of. But for the most part, this year was slow on the writing front. I resolve to do better next year. (She said, as she wrote a blog post that could arguably be deemed "filler.")

10. Do something big and out of character. Details to come.
So, now that I didn't do it after all, I can reveal that my plan was to run a half marathon on Thanksgiving day. That obviously didn't happen, nor will I be running the March half marathon at Disney World that I was thinking of trying. However, I do want to try and complete a half marathon at some point, so I am going to try and carry this one over to the new year as well. But I did do something fairly out of character this year, and it was scary as hell: I went to Biloxi by myself and played in a poker tournament. I nearly got hives just thinking about doing it, but I'm glad I did. Even if I lost a lot of money and came away having yet again underperformed against the big boys.

Despite what this list might indicate, 2009 was a big year for me in several ways. As I look back, I'm pleased with where I've traveled to and hopeful that 2010 will be a year of even more change. I'll be thinking about my resolutions for 2010 in the next few weeks (several of them will be virtually identical, of course), but for now I think I give my progress in 2009 a B-. But of course, I resolve to do better next year, too.

Adventures in Dating #4: One Night Only

Today as I returned to my car from withdrawing a sizeable amount of cash at the bank (long story), I noticed that I had a missed call on my phone from a guy I had been texting with earlier about meeting up tonight. I called him back without checking to see if he had left me a voicemail, and he told me he had accidentally called my phone without realizing it. Thankfully this conversation was not terribly awkward, but it did cause me to remember a similar one that inspired this Adventures in Dating story.

A few years ago when I lived in Boston, fresh off of the breakup of my 6 year relationship and some post-breakup dating disasters that included this infamous tale, I was persuaded by some friends to try internet dating for the first time. This was in approximately 2002 or 2003, when the prospect of meeting someone over the internet was still a vaguely terrifying thing to most people (as opposed to now, when it is normal for many but still creepy and/or terrifying for others), so I was very wary of trying it. Still, I created an account on Matchmaker and went on a couple dates with guys I had absolutely zero chemistry with and prayed that they would never call me again. Some will be featured on future Adventures in Dating posts, so I don't want to shoot my wad entirely here...but let's just say I was reluctant about this whole shebang.

Then I got an email from Joe (at least I think that was his name...it's all a little hazy) and we actually had several good email conversations so I let it progress to phone calls, and after several good phone calls I decided we should go out. Joe had recently left the military, and was a single dad to boot, so he'd moved back to Massachusetts from wherever the hell he had been stationed and was living in the suburbs with his parents while he got situated. He suggested that I take the T out to a stop near where he lived and we would go to dinner, so I did. We met and had a perfectly normal dinner, and then intended to see a movie but the only thing either of us wanted to see was sold out at the one theater in this sleepy suburb. So, Joe suggested he could drive me home and we could grab a drink near my place. If you are halfway intelligent, you see where this is heading.

In a move that shocked even me, and I'm the one that did it, I invited Joe back to my place and he became my first (and to date only) one night stand. It was awful, though I will spare the particular details of why it was so bad. But I fully expected never to hear from Joe again after that night, and I wasn't real bothered by that prospect because I saw nothing I felt the need to go back to.

But ego is a funny thing, and after a few days without getting a phone call or email, I was kind of bummed that he hadn't wanted to see me again and hadn't called. Then one night, I ran downstairs quickly to the CVS next door to my apartment building for something, and when I got back there was a missed call on my cell phone from Joe. Huh, maybe he did want to see me again after all! At least now I'd get the satisfaction of not feeling rejected, even if I had to decline any future dates on account of the worst sex in the history of the universe. (OK, it wasn't THAT bad, but by God it wasn't good or even decent.)

I didn't have a voicemail message icon yet, but since I had just missed the call a couple minutes earlier, I decided to call back and see what he wanted. Joe answered, and the conversation went like this:

Me: "Hi, it's Sara, I just noticed I have a missed call on my phone from you."
He: "Um, I didn't call you."
Me: "Okaaaay...but my phone says that you, in fact, did call me and I just called back the last number that called me, and it was you."
He: "Nope, didn't call you."
Me: "Hm. Nevermind then."(This is awkward.)
He: "OK, bye."
Me: *MORTIFIED*

I never heard from him again. I suppose there are a thousand reasons why he could have not realized his phone had called me. He could have accidentally hit a button, he could have been trying to delete my number and accidentally hit send, one of his parents or a girlfriend (or, God forbid, a wife he neglected to mention) could have dialed the last number in his received calls list...who knows. It was all very shady and strange and awful. But I came away from the experience feeling completely smacked down for my naivete in calling him back without thinking for a second that perhaps there had been some mistake.

And that feeling, I think, is why I have been unable to bring myself to have any one night stands since that time. I think it was just such a dehumanizing and demoralizing experience because of that stupid non-call afterwards that I decided then and there never to expose myself to such humiliation ever again.

Still alive

Despite appearances, I'm still kicking. Last week I went to Baltimore for 4 days of cupcaking and the most beautiful wedding I've ever been to. When I returned I was swamped and exhausted...and promptly got sick.

I was just sick with a cold a month ago (had to push back a first date I was eagerly anticipating, so I remember the inconvenient timing of that illness well), so this new illness concerned me. I was particularly concerned because we have a confirmed case of swine flu in my office and my secretary was out on Tuesday with a fever and vomiting. Also, I made the ill-advised joke to several people on Monday that at least if I got swine flu I could stay home from work for a week. Eek!

When I got home Tuesday night I had a fever of 101.5 and a weird rattle in my chest. I was moderately concerned, so I stayed home yesterday and worked from here under the guise of "better safe than sorry," but the earliest I could get in to see the doctor was this morning. Since my fever didn't get much worse but my cough did, I determined through intrepid hypochondriac googling that I likely had bronchitis, outside chance of pneumonia. This is exactly what the doctor told me, but thankfully the meds she prescribed (Z-pak, Albuterol inhaler) were good to treat either condition.

So, hopefully I'm on the mend now. That, or I'll get full blown pneumonia and HAVE to take time off of work.

Cupcaking Returns

This weekend I made test batches of two new cupcake flavors that we are making later this week for my friend Beth's wedding. They were both delicious! I figured I should share.

These are the Pumpkin Cupcakes with Maple Cream Cheese Frosting, courtesy of Smitten Kitchen:

Pumpkin Cupcakes With Maple–Cream Cheese Frosting

Yield: 17 to 18 cupcakes

1 stick unsalted butter, room temperature, plus more for greasing pans

1 cup firmly packed dark-brown sugar

1/3 cup granulated sugar

2 cups cake flour

2 teaspoons baking powder

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1 teaspoon ground ginger

1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg

1/8 teaspoon ground cloves

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

2 large eggs

1/2 cup buttermilk mixed with 1 teaspoon vanilla

1 1/4 cups canned solid-pack pumpkin

Frosting

Two (8-ounce) packages cream cheese, softened

1 stick unsalted butter, room temperature

2 cups confectioners’ sugar

1/4 cup pure maple syrup

Make the cupcakes:1. Preheat the oven to 350° (175°C). Line a cupcake pan with 18 liners.
2. In a stand mixer, beat the butter and sugars on medium speed until fluffy, about 5 minutes. Meanwhile, sift the flour, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, cloves, salt, and pepper into a medium bowl. 3. Add the eggs 1 at a time to the mixer, scraping down the sides after each addition. Alternate adding the flour and milk mixtures, beginning and ending with the flour. Beat in the pumpkin until smooth. Scoop the batter among the cupcake liners — you’re looking to get them 3/4 full. Rap the filled pans once on the counter to release any air bubbles. Bake the cakes until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean, about 20 to 25 minutes. Cool the cupcakes on racks completely.

Make the frosting:In a stand mixer beat all the ingredients on medium until fluffy. To assemble the cake, frost the top of one cake, place the other cake on top. Frost the sides and top, swirling decoratively. Refrigerate the cake for 30 minutes to set up frosting.

These are Almond Cupcakes with Amaretto Frosting, courtesy of Modern Domestic:

ALMOND CUPCAKES WITH AMARETTO FROSTING

Ingredients:
4 large eggs

1 1/3 cup sour cream

2 teaspoon almond extract

1/2 teaspoon vanilla

3 1/3 cups sifted cake flour

2/3 cup, ground, unblanched sliced almonds, toasted and finely ground

2 cup sugar

1 teaspoon baking powder

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon salt

3 sticks softened butter

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line two 12-cup muffin tins with paper lines, and lightly grease the top of the tins.In a medium bowl lightly combine the eggs, ¼ of the sour cream and the extracts. In a large mixing bowl combine the dry ingredients and mix on low speed for 30 seconds to blend. Add the butter and remaining sour cream. Mix on low speed until the dry ingredients are moistened. Increase to medium speed (high if using a hand mixer) and beat for 1¤½ minutes to aerate and develop the cake’s structure. Scrape down the sides. Gradually add the egg mixture in 3 batches, beating 20 seconds after each addition to incorporate the ingredients and strengthen the structure. Scrape down the sides. Spoon the batter into the paper liners – each cup should be 2/3 full. Bake 25 minutes or until a wire cake tester inserted in the center comes out clean. Let the cupcakes cool in the pan on a rack for 10 minutes, before gently transferring them to a rack to cool. Allow to cool completely before frosting with amaretto frosting.

Amaretto Frosting

1 cup unsalted butter, softened

6 to 8 cups confectioners’ sugar

1/2 cup milk

2 tsp vanilla extract

2 tbs amaretto

Place the butter in a large mixing bowl. Add 4 cups of the sugar and then the milk, vanilla, and amaretto. On the medium speed of an electric mixer, beat until smooth and creamy, about 3-5 minutes. Gradually add the remaining sugar, 1 cup at a time, beating well after each addition (about 2 minutes), until the icing is thick enough to be of good spreading consistency. You may not need to add all of the sugar. If desired, add a few drops of food coloring and mix thoroughly. (Use and store the icing at room temperature because icing will set if chilled.) Icing can be stored in an airtight container for up to 3 days. Makes 24-28 cupcakes.

The Mystery of the Not My Condoms

Friday night I was searching for something high and low throughout my house, and my search took me to my nightstand drawer. While I have no desire to tell you all about the contents of that drawer, just trust that should my parents ever get curious and open it, they will immediately shut it and try to forget what they saw. While rummaging through the various things that would make Baby Jesus cry, I came across a stray condom...a plain old garden variety lubricated Trojan.

This was a curious discovery, since I am allergic to latex and therefore have not purchased or had latex condoms in my vicinity in at least a decade. (I will spare you the details on this too, except to say that once you've experienced a latex allergy in a delicate and highly sensitive place, you become more than a little wary. The first thing I tell every doctor is to make sure their gloves are not latex.) I knew right away it wasn't my condom, since I have a few of the polyurethane ones in the drawer and even those may have long since passed their expiration dates. So what the hell was this thing doing in my drawer?

The choices, none of which are particularly fun for me to contemplate, appear to be that a friend left it there as a joke during one of the parties I've had in the past few years, one of my friends with a key to my house left it there while cat-sitting (hopefully as a joke and not because it was leftover from some sort of sexual act that occurred in my bed because I WILL KILL WHOEVER DID THAT), my cleaning lady left it there (see aforementioned parenthetical), or some other option that I can't wrap my brain around right now. And before anyone suggests that my still-getting-frisky-over-sixty parents left it there, just don't. My mom got her tubes tied almost 20 years ago.

Regardless of how it ended up there, I am now completely bewildered and ooged out. And considering buying a new mattress and sheets and possibly burning my bed frame.

Well Hello There

So, I've been a slackass blogger lately. Work has been insanely busy thanks to yet another coworker leaving (for the job I desperately wanted--Assistant U.S. Attorney!), and there just hasn't been much out there to inspire me lately even when I do have time to peruse the internets. I go through periods where I lose the will to write, but I have to remember to force myself to carve out a little bit of time because when I do have occasion to go back through and review my archives, I remember how much pride and joy I have invested in some of my old writing. And I did some of my best writing when I was working every bit as hard as I am now, so that's no excuse. I promise to try to do better.

I had occasion to peruse my archives a little this morning because something I knew would eventually happen finally happened. My ex-boyfriend found my blog. I saw it on my sitemeter last week, the Google search for "sarawaraclara" from Mexico followed by hours upon hours of reading the archives in order. Nobody else could take that dedicated an interest in my inane ramblings, so I knew it was him. I knew I had been less than kind in certain past posts, but unlike before I didn't even think a second about finding or deleting any of them. I own it all--and even though I am sure he will disagree, I think I was actually pretty fair. I always bend over backwards to admit my own mistakes and foibles (almost to a fault), and I certainly played a healthy role in our breakup. The difference is that I closed the door on that chapter and my feelings about it years ago, while he has been unable to stop examining it over and over again like he is searching for clues in an unsolved crime. Perhaps he never will.

This morning, I had another long email about him, and us, and why he read every post on this blog, and how it made him feel. I am not enough of a bitch to either quote it here or to say too much about what I think about it; that is for me to express to him in my response. But I find it so interesting that someone who used to know me so well has essentially reviewed the last three years of my life in reverse, like it was our own little version of the film "Memento." I'm not the same person now that I was in 2006 when I started this project, and certainly not the same person I was when we lived together. How strange it must have been to watch my de-evolution, in a sense? How disorienting to see my wailing a few years ago about this heartbreak or that betrayal, when he already knew from posts he'd already read how it would all shake out in the years to come. If I had the time and the inclination, I'd go re-read this entire blog in reverse just so I can see what he saw. (Perhaps it would explain why he recommended I get therapy!)

There are a lot of things changing for me right now, mostly in good ways. I haven't had a chance to write about them much lately, but this experience is making me want to put in the effort. I was greatly inspired and saddened by this story of the 18 years' worth of daily Polaroids someone found, and how upsetting it was to learn they ceased on the day the subject had died. I don't want this to fade off into nothing, like a movie with no ending. So, my story will continue, even though I now know who is reading.

Oldie but a goodie

Today for what seems like about the 5th time since I moved to Atlanta, I was diagnosed with pinkeye. This seems to happen almost every time I get sick, for some reason. I have antibiotic drops and all that jazz, but when I got back to the office from the interminable wait at the Minute Clinic, I realized that I had probably blogged about this strange phenomenon of mine at least once before. And, lo and behold, I have! And then I remembered how my sick friends decided to convince me that I had an STD in my eye...ah, good times.

See, I'm not crazy

OK, maybe I still am crazy, but not because of my low pain threshhold or fear of the dentist. Apparently it's all the fault of my redheaded complexion. (Despite what you might think from the childhood photograph on the right, my hair is more red than blonde these days. That picture was taken after a summer spent in the pool.)

A recent study showed that redheads have a genetic mutation that causes them to be resistant to anesthesia, including Novocaine. Redheads on average required 20% more anesthesia than blondes or brunettes. They were also more likely to avoid dental work and to be afraid of the dentist due to past painful experiences. I can certainly speak to that; the last time I had scaling and 2 cavities filled, I had 27 shots of novocaine and I still felt pain during the procedures. Now I know why--because I am probably anesthetically resistant.

I am printing out this article and taking it to the dentist next time I go!

Quote of the Day, Where Magic Happens edition

When I was a teenager, my hometown of Orlando, Florida finally got its first professional sports team. The Orlando Magic's first season was 1989, and like virtually all new teams they sucked for awhile. But the town embraced them, and after a couple years they sucked so bad that they managed to draft the superstar-in-waiting Shaquille O'Neal with the No. 1 pick. He instantly improved the team, but they just barely missed the playoffs in his rookie season. The Magic had just one little white ball in that year's draft lottery, but by a miracle that one little ball managed to find its way home for the No. 1 pick 2 years in a row. The Magic drafted Chris Webber but traded for Anfernee Hardaway, and suddenly we had two young superstars and seemed headed for greatness.

Just two years later, the Magic became the second-youngest new team ever to make the NBA Finals, led by Shaq, Penny, and Chicago Bulls veteran Horace Grant. We even beat those Bulls, with a recently-returned Michael Jordan, to get there. I worked at Disney World that summer, and the water tower usually topped with Mickey Mouse ears was covered with Grant's trademark blue goggles as a sign of Orlando's basketball fever. On the game nights that I worked in Mickey's Character Shop, we had a telephone tree set up throughout the store to pass regular score updates to all employees while the game was on. We had these two amazing stars, and all the hope in the world.

Then we played the Houston Rockets in the Finals and got swept. It was awful, and it was followed by a desert of bad and disappointing seasons. Shaq left for L.A., Penny left for Phoenix, we traded for Grant Hill and he promptly became perma-injured, we had some great players who underachieved, and we never seemed to get past the first round even when we made it to the playoffs at all. Orlando Magic fans grew weary and jaded, forgetting all that hope and optimism of the early 1990's.

That's why this year has been so special for those of us who were around back then and who remember the early days, and then stuck around through the drought that followed them. I was so thrilled to see my Magic beat the defending world champion Celtics, even though previously the Celtics were my team when I lived in Boston. I was ecstatic that they managed to dismantle the team with the best record in basketball, the Cavaliers, in dominating fashion. I had high hopes for this team, but I also had fear. I knew the heartbreak of the NBA Finals had left a deep and painful memory, and I was afraid it would return.

The first game was awful, and I stopped watching midway through the second half. The second game was an absolute travesty, one that even Phil Jackson said we should have won because of an uncalled goaltend at the very end. Instead we lost in overtime, and I walked out of the bar where I watched it on Sunday night completely demoralized. The heartbreak of 1995 was looming dangerously close again. I resolved not to watch the rest of the series, to preserve myself so that I would not be hurt that way again. Perhaps my years living in as a Red Sox fan taught me to do this, but it was almost instinctive. I would not watch even a second of Game 3.

Last night, the Magic beat the Lakers on a dazzling display of shooting. I didn't see any of it, and only read about it online this morning. My team is still behind, the odds are still decidedly against them, but they finally knocked that monkey off their backs and won their first ever NBA Finals game. As I struggled with what to say about this, I found this quote from an Orlando Sentinel sportswriter that sums it up better than I ever could:

Fine. The Orlando Magic won a game. In the Finals. I am proud. Trust me, that win, even if the vast majority of the folks celebrating on Orange Ave. do not realize it, means something. For the come-lately fans, it is one more reason to get drunk on Thursday. For those of us who have been living and dying with this team for decades, from losing Shaq, T-Mac and Grant Hill's feet, it means far more than that. It is a middle finger to the pezzonovantes in the national media who never gave this team a chance. We paid attention when they could not be bothered to flip their remotes to TNT. Whatever happens from here on forward, this Magic team, more than any other, has shown grit, heart and resiliency. Anfernee Hardaway and Shaq possessed gifts Dwight and Rashard will never know. But this current regime has shown something those superior athletes never even hinted at. That is, accountability in the face of superior adversity. Calm in the fist of a humiliating tsunami, something Shaq and Penny couldn't stomach even as an entire franchise existed only to fill their most menial needs.

Michael White, from "The Lakers are probably better, but I've never been prouder of a Magic team."

He's right. They probably won't win, they look outgunned by the Lakers. But I am so proud of my hometown team for not falling apart even after they could have easily rolled over and gotten swept. I'm so proud of them for showing the same grit and determination that got them this far. A better Magic team wilted in the face of adversity in 1995 and made all of us Magic fans feel a bit foolish and ashamed that we had believed our young team could win it all. Thanks to last night, that won't happen this year regardless of whether we win or lose. We can be proud to have believed in these guys.

(But because I'm more than a little superstitious, I won't watch the rest of the series because I'm convinced the Magic play better when I'm not watching. Yes, I am crazy.)

My heeeero

Sarah Weddington kicks serious ass. At just 26 years old, she argued Roe v. Wade before the U.S. Supreme Court and won. I had the honor of meeting Ms. Weddington in 1996 or so when she came to speak at FSU, and I have always considered her my personal hero. (True story: I was a member of FSU N.O.W., which was responsible for bringing her to campus to speak. The other members asked me to introduce her because she's always been my idol, but I was so humbled and in awe of her that I was too nervous to introduce her. I thought I wouldn't be able to contain my emotions to do her justice and would have just gotten up there and babbled. I reacted to meeting her sort of like a guy would react to meeting his favorite childhood baseball player. Let's just say I was neither poised nor dignified.)

Ms. Weddington will speak at Georgia State University on April 7, 2009 from 12:00 pm-1pm. I so wish I could get out of work that day to attend...and I might even have to play a little hooky. In addition to winning her first big case in a way that changed women's lives forever, Ms. Weddington has had a very interesting and exciting public life both blazing trails for women attorneys and advocating on behalf of causes she cares deeply about. I highly recommend seeing her speak if you are interested.