It got weirder before it got better

Nothing about this little car fiasco has made much sense to me. So, of course I should not have expected that the process of getting my car back today would be easy.

I started off at the Tag Office for Fulton County, where I encountered no resistance but was asked to write a check for $655. Sadly, only $65 of that was penalties and fees; the remainder was all ad valorem tax for my apparently monstrously expensive car. While I was waiting, I saw and heard a guy who distinctly reminded me of Chris Rock's "Nat X" character proselytizing to one of the office workers, saying something along the lines of "see, when we talk about the conceputal 'God,' we have to remember that concept was delivered to us by the pale man." Why he was preaching to the tag office ladies, I do not know. I doubt they appreciated it.

From there, I headed to the City of Atlanta property impound office. Having been there briefly on Saturday, I knew it was scary looking. But that was when it was empty. It is far scarier on a Monday when it is full of people who have been arrested over the weekend and now have to go back to claim stuff that was taken from them when they were booked. On each window there is a sign warning you not to try and claim your handgun if you either have a felony conviction or an outstanding warrant, or you will be apprehended. Basically, they are so sick of having to apprehend idiots who try to get their illegal handguns back that they've put up a sign saying don't even bother. Need I say more?

The property office has one of those old number ticket systems like you'd see at the grocery store in the deli, and I was easily 20 numbers back when I arrived so I settled in for the long wait. I unfortunately arrived just after a homeless man carrying his extra pair of shoes and wearing pants that unfortunately revealed the particulars of his junk to the entire world. Said homeless man was also obviously unstable, as he stared at me for nearly an hour and muttered to himself...when he wasn't kicking the wall or coming over to lean on the wall right next to me, that is. I was very close to deciding that he was about to attack me numerous times in my 90 minute wait. I doubt that anyone else in the office would have stopped him or even cared if he had attacked me, judging by the woman to my left who was completely passed out. She didn't even notice when they called her number, she just kept sitting there with her mouth wide open, 3 cavity-laden teeth glaring at us all.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the crazy homeless man collected his trash bag of stuff and left, and they called my number. The towing company had not yet faxed over the paperwork for my car, so I had to sit back down and wait even longer. While waiting, I overheard a guy complaining that when he was arrested the other night his wallet contained $44, but now it was being returned to him with only $4. Perhaps the quote of the day: "EVERY time I get arrested in Fulton County, there's money missing from my wallet when I get it back!" He looked like your average guy, so I wanted to ask what he's doing to get arrested over and over again...but I didn't.

After obtaining the release from property impound and hitching a ride from a friend to the towing lot, I finally got my car back. I was so happy and relieved to have my baby once again that I hopped in and drove to the office. When I got there, I went to put my new May 2009 green sticker on my tag...and discovered that my tag was not there. WTF? I just drove all the way there with no tag! I sort of froze and stood there in the parking garage, unsure what to do. I went up to my office and ate my lunch, and called first the towing company and then the impound office. Nobody had my tag, nobody knew where it was. Nobody knew what I should do. One of the partners in my group helpfully suggested that I should just go apply for a new tag, and claim this one was lost or stolen. "How hard could it be to get a new tag?," he said. So, I headed back to the Fulton County tag office where I'd started my day.

I was worried I would be helped by the same woman who helped me this morning, because I did not want to have to go through the same crazy story all the way from the beginning. I feared it would just complicate things and make them less likely to help me. So, I sat down in front of another receptionist and told her that my tag was missing and I needed a new one. She said I needed a police report for a stolen tag before they could replace it, and that it would take 7-10 days. Seeing me very near tears, she did the nicest thing anyone has done all day: she asked me to tell her the story from the beginning so that she could see if there was a way to help me. So, I told her everything...how my car was towed, how I paid the tag this morning, and then got my car back only to discover the tag was missing. I told her all I wanted to do was to be able to drive my car home and have this ordeal be over. She thought for a minute and said that if I went to the window and told them I wanted to upgrade to a specialty license plate, I would not need a police report to replace my old tag. I could have kissed her.

Not having much time before they closed to make a decision about a type of tag, I opted for the girly Hummingbird tag. I then had to play the part of someone so vapid and silly that I had renewed my tag this morning only to return and decide that I wanted to pay more money for a prettier tag, so I laid it on very thick. The woman behind the counter was surprised I would do something so dumb and kept trying to talk me out of it, but I stuck with my story about wanting the pretty tag with the bird on it. Luckily, the woman in the booth next to her had someone else make that same stupid decision earlier today, and she showed her how to process the voluntary tag class change. $25 later, I had a hummingbird tag and I booked it out of there.

The last challenge was getting the tag onto my car, since whoever took my tag took the screws and the license plate holder that had been put on the car by the dealership where I bought it. A very helpful guy at Ace Hardware on N. Highland came out to my car and, as we both sweated buckets in the heat, he tried screw size after screw size until he found some that fit the small holes on my car. He explained that he had a VW and knew they did not use a normal screw size for their plates, so he wanted to help another VW person out. I could have kissed him, too.

And so, having finally put this whole ordeal behind me, the final cost tally was:
$15 taxi on Sunday to car rental place
$50 car rental
$10 gas for car rental
$65 fees and penalties at tag office
$135 towing fee and fine
$25 tag replacement
$5 screws for the tag
$10 parking near the tag office (twice)
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That's a grand total of $315, not including the ad valorem taxes I would've had to pay anyhow. Also does not include the value of one vacation day from work since I ended up not getting anything done there today. If I receive a ticket in the mail at some point in time (something that would, at this point, not be at all surprising) then I will add that to the tally.

In short, kids, don't wait to renew your registration. You have been warned.